Personal time...

I'm going to start off by explaining that this is an emotional topic for me. So much so that only the closest people in mine and my husband's world know about it. But this blog is about expressing my feelings as much as anything else, and now I feel like it's time to open up and get comfortable enough to share this with all of you. You've been amazing supporters up until now about anything and everything I write about, and I believe you'll only help me through this even more.    Now, remember back a few posts, when I was complaining or blabbering on about something that had to do with my pregnancy, and I said that this hasn't been the easiest pregnancy to go through... well I decided today is the day I share with you why that is.    At the end of April, we had one of our regularly scheduled checkups, which included a blood collection to test if the baby could possibly carry the genes for Down's Syndrome. I was weighed, my blood pressure was taken, and we heard the little one's heartbeat, which was strong as usual, after chatting a bit with my doctor, we went on our merry way. I wasn't too worried about the results of that test because there are so many false positives for it, so it flew out of my mind until our next appointment in May.   The day of our appointment finally rolled around, and that morning I began to feel a bit nervous, which I'm sure is normal for first time mommys. I cried into Laz's shoulder asking all the "what-ifs" that came to my mind, and he just reassured me that no matter what everything would be ok, and we'd handle it together. Waiting for the doctor to come into my room that day felt like an enternity instead of just 10 minutes. And then when he finally opened the door, I saw his face. No one with good news has ever made the face he had on, ever. So he came over and gave me a hug to tell me my test result came back positive. I just felt numb. I still wasn't sure how to feel with all the false positives that occur. He told me my next appointment would be the gender scan ultrasound, so during that they would measure my baby for signs of Down's Syndrome, and then we'd really know what the future would hold.   Now, thinking back from now, I think we both took that information about our baby extremely well, and even explained the news to our family pretty greatly too. The timing wasn't so great being just 2 weeks before our wedding, but instead of everyone being all nervous, we were all excited about the wedding and super busy, that we didn't have the time to dwell on it. And of course we were naive and thought, "Nothing will be wrong with our baby!"   So 2 more weeks flew by, and it's 2 days before our wedding, the day of our gender scan ultrasound. To be honest, we were still up in the clouds and just wanted to know the sex of our baby. We decided to have a big reveal at our wedding for everyone to learn what little bundle of joy would be delievered in October. I was nervous, but I hid it. So went into the ultrasound room and got ready for our own private reveal. The ultrasound tech was a very quiet guy, hardly told us anything he was doing as he measured every centimeter of our baby's body. Many, many pictures and measurements later, he gets up and says he needed to speak to my doctor and would be right back. Laz and I looked at each others and both thought the same thing. We didn't think he needed the doctor's approval to tell us whether it was a boy or girl. And why didn't he just point it out on the screen? A few minutes later he said to follow him into the examination room and to wait for the doctor to come in.   As I sat through another set of the longest 10 minutes of my life, I kept telling Laz "this isn't normal" over and over again. And then the door opened, and I saw my doctor's face again. That same sad face. The same face that comes with bad news. And then he just hugged me. Tighter this time. And ended it with a kiss on my cheek. I remember feeling very heavy, like I was sinking into the table. And the tears welled up fast in my eyes, like they do now as I type this. When my doctor finally he spoke, he told us it wasn't Down's Syndrome, but something else.   Our baby was diagnosed with a birth defect, called Gastroschsis. It's when there is a hole in the abdominal wall to the right of her belly button, where intestines are protruding out of her belly. I just looked at Laz, as my lips began to quiver, which is always the beginning stages of a crying meltdown for me. He looked like he was on the verge of tears as well, but he sucked them up and started asking questions because he knew I couldn't. My doctor reassured us that this defect is completely cureable, but rare, and needed immediate surgery after she'd be born by c-section. And then it really hit me. My baby would be taken from me, as soon as she gasped her first real breath of air, to already go under for a surgery. My doctor also told us it was neither one of our genes that caused this defect, it happened when she first began to grow inside of me, and it wouldn't likely happen to any future children of ours. He also informed me that I'd be transferring doctors to a friend of his who is more prepared for this birth, and so was his attending hospital, which has a highly recommended NeoNatal section that would be equipped for her stay.   So much changed in just a few minutes, that I was dumbfounded. I couldn't think of a thing to say except, "Do you at least know the baby's sex?" But unfortunately he said her intestines were in the way and we wouldn't know until she grew a bit more. We didn't even have the glimmer of good news to share with our families in just 2 days at our wedding. That broke my heart. Once we left I broke down into Laz's shoulder as he held me in the hallway. He kept repeating "It's fixable, it's cureable babe, the baby will be fine after the surgery, it won't have to live with this their whole life, just for a little while." It made me feel better because he was right, it could've always been worse, and it wasn't. But I still kept that evil question burning in the back of my head, screaming "Why MY baby?!"   Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks pregnant, with this strong baby girl growing amazingly well inside of me. It's been a journey, kind of a rough journey, but we're getting through it. It took us 3 more ultrasounds before they could tell us our baby was 100% a girl, and to actually see her girly parts around her intestines. And as far as her defect does go, it's not as large as other cases have been seen, the intestines are also not swollen or irritated due to the amniotic fluid, and no other organs are protuding which is very good news.   One thing every doctor that has examined her through an ultrasound has said is that she has a beautiful heart. It's strong and has amazing detail for such a young baby. Every valve, every chamber, every pump it makes looks perfect. That never gets old to hear for this mommy.   That evil question pops back into my mind sometimes, but not as often as it did in the beginning, when we found out about our baby's news. I like to believe that this is just the path our little family was supposed to take. And luckily... it's cureable, it's fixable, we'll be ok.